Dinner with my parents is always a joy.

Of course, what is dinner without one of my Mom’s clever (and often disturbingly apropos) parables. My father, businessman extraordinaire, was preaching about how to take the lead on competition when my Mom suddenly interrupted him.

“Oh! Lana, I tell you a story! Okay, so! There’s a man who is running. And there’s a man who is walking. So man who is running and running, he is thinking, ‘Oh! I am winning! I am the best!’”

I nod my head in understanding. I know where this is going.

“But the man who is running doesn’t see there is a man in the sky who is flying!” She flaps her arms…apparently I don’t know what a flying man would look like.

“I get it, Mom. There’s always somebody faster than you.”

“No!” she said emphatically, “Pew, pew! Then somebody shoots down the flying man! Pew pew pew!” At this point, my Dad and I look at each other and burst into hysterical fits of laughter.

After wiping the tears from his face, my Dad added, “So the moral of the story is – learn how to shoot!”

The End.

I can’t express how much I adore my parents. They’re like talking fortune cookies – with a sense of humour.

I am compelled to share my Mom’s other pearls of wisdom (which my sister and I have begun diligently recording):

“Just avoid him. Think of him as a pile of…..shit. Just walk around it. If you try to deal with it, you end up smelling like shit too.”

“It’s not gay, it’s called style!”

“You can date a player…just don’t marry one.”

“I didn’t beat you…I hit you!”

hahaha And people wonder where I get my twisted humour – thank Mom-fucius.

Folks, let’s recall this line from my previous post on “how to turn-off the ladies”:

“Tacky bathroom photos. I love the logic behind these: “No, it doesn’t matter that I have a fish-patterned shower curtain backdrop and that I look like a half-wit trying to vogue and snap pictures simultaneously. No, it’s important that I appear incompetent in learning about the camera’s self-timer and in choosing a room that doesn’t suggest fecal festivities.”

A few weeks later, check out this picture I came across on PlentyOfFish.com:

It was almost too good to be true!!! But there it is – the tacky bathroom photo featuring a fish-patterned shower curtain backdrop. I love the expression on this guy’s face, pursing his lips in deep concentration as he tries to look cool and shoot at the same time. Do I know how to call it or what!!!! I thought to myself, I could send him a link to my do-nots on profile pictures but I decided that I wanted to leave this specimen undisturbed in his natural surroundings…for me to poop on!

Moving on.

So it’s been nearly a month since I last posted a blog. Time flys by when you’re nearing the big 3-0!

As my twenties are coming to a conclusion, I’ve been contemplating the new decade to come and what I’d like to accomplish by the end. I thought I’d share my Top 10 Things to Accomplish In My Thirties list and if anybody wants to join me on these adventures, give me a holler!

1. Explore Walt Disney World…on ecstasy. I’m sure that’s going to go over well. “Mommy! How come Mulan is rubbing herself like that against Mickey Mouse?” By the way, it would be my first time visiting Disney World. I haven’t even been to Disney Land! My childhood was deprived of anything “not educational”. Advice to parents: Let your kids have fun or they’ll end up being jailed for dryhump-attacking their favourite Disney character.

2. Become a registered massage therapist and start my own day spa for men called “Male Nourishment“. As a byproduct of this, I’m also going to invent a massage table that’s ergonomically designed for the male anatomy. Here’s a rough conceptual model of what I have in mind:

3. Script and perform a comedy stand-up routine based on true events in my life. I also want to bring attention to important topics relevant to today’s global culture. For example, women’s equality. I know when women’s equality has been achieved when we have just as many cool, empowering names for our genitalia as men do. Beaver Cleaver, Hymen Hammer, Bush Snake, Helmeted Warrior, The Zipper Ripper, King Dong – with those kind of nicknames, a penis can stand tall with pride!!! What do women have to put up with? Bearded Clam, Camel Toe, Chia Pet, oh, and my favourite – Flesh Wound. WTF? I implore the ladies (and men) reading this to come up with some new ones to encourage the vagina to bloom with self-esteem! My contribution (and I swear on my life this is my idea): The Ball Mill. Hehehe

To be continued…