A New Form Of Kung Fu August 5, 2008
Posted by kimchicanuck in Uncategorized.trackback
Me with my younger sister and brother (a.k.a. my slaves).
My sister turned twenty-three last week yet I still see the five year old brat who wouldn’t stop playing “annoying dog” for two years. If only I had watched the Dog Whisperer back then. I would have subdued her with an imitation of his taming touch. “Tsst! Tsst!”
Seriously, I need one to use on men! Yes, yes, I think I’ve got something here.
I saw a YouTube video of a local chick that would choke men between her thighs. Picture yourself facing the crotch of a hot brunette as she wraps her muscular thighs around your neck. Then picture yourself flailing your arms and gasping for air as she cackles trying to pop your now blueberry-looking head. Geez, the new dangers of going down on a girl. Move aside, Herpes, welcome Asphyxiation!
Hm, what would you dub that move? Crotch Crusher? Muff Muffler? This is starting to sound like some new form of Kung Fu…Cunt Fu! Yes! I shall master Cunt Fu to crush men who “misbehave”. Like the guy who left a comment calling me a “narcissistic cunt”. Let’s see how that would play out:
A-hole: “My, what a narcissistic cunt you are.”
Me: “I don’t believe you’ve met my cunt before. Allow me to introduce her properly. HIYEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAH!”
A-hole: “GASP! Please…air! GASP! Help!”
Me: “Ha ha ha! My Cunt Fu is strong! I will defeat you!”
(Of course, you’d have to imagine this as a poorly dubbed action movie.)
Side note: If you leave derogatory comments, have the BRAINS to come up with something creative (“narcissistic cunt” is actually a good example) and have the BALLS to leave your picture and contact information. There’s no power behind an anonymous coward.
Anyway, my sister’s birthday celebration began at my apartment. Funniest joke of the night:
A. spots the bowl of chocolate bars on the coffee table. “Oh! Chocolate!” He reaches over and grabs a Kit Kat bar and exclaims, “Hey, hey! I’ve got a joke!” We all turn our heads to him.
He unwraps the bar and holds it up. “Now you see it”. Then he holds it up against the bare skin of the only brown guy in the room. “Now you don’t”.
Ta dah! *bah doom ching*
Later my sister and I quibbled about whether or not the joke was racist. I argued that it wasn’t because it didn’t make any negative suggestions or statements about coloured people – it simply drew attention to dark skin. However, I would agree that performing the joke at an anti-racism rally wouldn’t be the best idea. Who knows what kind of mad Kung Fu/Cunt Fu will whoop yo a$$.
Hey little Lana… you’re too late… you should meet my friend Cindy
I met this girl on Lavalife several years ago ( back when you and I first met ). We didnt’ hook up but stayed friends. She’s a very nice girl from New Brunswick and a devout Christian. She also at that time had a gig wrestling guys. She was known to have the strongest leg choke hold in the world. She is strong like bull and she swore to me she didn’t bang any of these guys… but it obviously had a fairly strong fetishistic element. I never did get a chance to wrestle her.
Check the link below to YouTube…
I think she’s out of the biz now and trying to become a personal trainer. She is one strong chick though…
Hope you’re well kitten… that’s a nice pic of you by the way with your siblings. Very pretty
I think that martial art already exists, Lana. It’s what I’ve been taking for the past four years, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Choking someone with your legs is a very basic choke called the Triangle Choke, although it works best if you have the person’s head and arm between your legs. It’s possible to do it without an arm, dubbed the No-arm Triangle Choke but it’s not as tight.
You would like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. It’s as close contact as you can get; occasionally too intimate. There’s no striking or hitting. Just rolling around on the ground trying to make the other person submit or lose consciousness or a limb. You’ll have a midsection as strong as oak and you’ll feel like you’re “carved out of wood” (line from Fight Club) after a few sessions. Even the basic arm bar involves breaking an opponent’s arm (if they don’t tap out) over your crotch or inner thigh. I could see you holding the arm a little longer to get satisfaction until your opponent submits.
For a woman, it’s an especially effective form of self defense because you will be able to submit someone even if they’re on top of you.
In case if you are interested in knowing more about Brazilian Jui Jitsu I can refer you to a couple of very well regarded teachers in the Lower Mainland =) That said, another excellent blog!
I fell asleep reading scotts comment.. wow.I dont think I would want to get to intimate with some of these Brazilian men!! Hehe! Joke people! Before evryone trys to Kung fooo meee! In scotland we have a martial art.. Its called Fuk Uu.. Its head butting and kicking people when they are down!!
cunt fu. thats fuckin brilliant.
out of the million ways to die, that i’ve noted (!) that is up there with dying peacefully while sleeping.
can i add again?
YOU ARE CUTE!