After several years of using online dating services, I thought I’d share my list of TURN-OFFs when it comes to profile pictures. Rarely do you see a profile that’s catchy and convincing, like those bigger-than-life billboards in New York Times Square; for the most part, profiles are about as tacky as those Chinese take-out menus.

Mmmm, Chinese food…

*MSN chat interruption*

A: ok, what am i thinking then

A: weird

A: your msn name changed

Me: wha?

A: it was “all thoughts are heard”

Me: i’m thinking i want some chicken chow mein

*uncontrollable laughter ensues*

I swear my sis and I are twins despite the seven year age gap. But I digress.

Picture Turn-Offs

(Oh God, I’m surprised I still have sight after what I’ve been exposed to.)

Half-naked photos that show off a half-developed body. Buddy, the ladies aren’t interested in your Jabba the Hutt impersonation. Take it to Tatooine.

Tacky bathroom photos. I love the logic behind these: “No, it doesn’t matter that I have a fish-patterned shower curtain backdrop and that I look like a half-wit trying to vogue and snap pictures simultaneously. No, it’s important that I appear incompetent in learning about the camera’s self-timer and in choosing a room that doesn’t suggest fecal festivities.”

Web cam pics. All web cams come equipped with a tool that takes fugly and transforms it to fabulous. Wrinkles disappear, teeth straighten out, double chins blend into one, it’s MAGIC…but I call it “The Grainy 120 x 80 Resolution Effect”. Hm, somehow that name seems to ruin the mystique.

Men doing fraternity shit. Lose the diaper and beer bong. Replace with spandex and baton. Trust me, it’s a step above.

Wannabe gangsta poses. True story – I came across a picture of a guy in a wife beater trying to pass himself off as a Triad member, and in the background of his room there was a Hello Kitty doll waving hi. ‘Cause every thug needs a ho.

Baby pictures that scream, “Look! I used to be adorable. There’s still hope for me!”

Half-exposed faces. Why are you cutting out the left side of your face in every picture? Are you the Joker? Phantom of the Opera? The Elephant Man? Reveal yourself! Don’t worry, I won’t come after you with a pitchfork…I might vomit in my mouth a little, but I’m sure you’re used to that.

Pictures of you surrounded by scantily-clad women. This doesn’t make you more desirable. Unless these women are related to you (in that case, you have my sympathies), you make the impression that you’re a 1. Pimp 2. Man-whore 3. Creep or 4. Douchebag. Trust me, once labeled a douchebag, there’s no way to wash yourself of it. No pun intended.

The point is that there are a lot of unrepresentative and distasteful pictures. Please, post clear, bright pictures of yourself in natural settings – barbequing at the beach, having drinks on a patio, watching porn in your office, make it real! REAL!!!!

PEACE OUT!